Wow, this is amazing. A saw ducks out of the way when it detects a finger

A paraprosdokian is a figure of speech in which the latter part of a sentence or phrase is surprising or unexpected in a way that causes the reader or listener to re-frame or re-interpret the first part. It is frequently used for humorous or dramatic effect.

* I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.

* The last thing I want to do is hurt you, but it’s still on the list.

* Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says “if an emergency, notify:” I put “DOCTOR.”

* Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

* We never really grow up; we only learn how to act in public.

* The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

* I thought I wanted a career; turns out I just wanted a paycheck.

* I didn’t say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.

* You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.

* Hospitality: Making your guests feel like they’re at home, even if you wish they were.

* Money can’t buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.

* I used to be indecisive. Now I’m not sure.

* I always take life with a grain of salt — plus a slice of lime and a shot of tequila.

* When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department usually uses water.

* You’re never too old to learn something stupid.

Heres a look at the Joplin’s Tornado. Amazing video showing the before and after. Wow. Feel sorry for the many stranded people and the damage it took.

Road Rage

The light turned yellow, just in front of him. He did the right thing, stopping at the crosswalk, even
though he could have beaten the red light by accelerating through the intersection.

The tailgating woman was furious and honked her horn, screaming in frustration, as she missed
her chance to get through the intersection, dropping her cell phone and makeup.

As she was still in mid-rant, she heard a tap on her window and looked up into the face of a very
serious police officer. The officer ordered her to exit her car with her hands up. He took her to the
police station where she was searched, fingerprinted, photographed, and placed in a holding cell
After a couple of hours, a policeman approached the cell and opened the door. She was escorted
back to the booking desk where the arresting officer was waiting with her personal effects.

He said, ”I’m very sorry for this mistake. You see, I pulled up behind your car while you were
blowing your horn, flipping off the guy in front of you and cussing a blue streak at him.

I noticed the ‘What Would Jesus Do’ bumper sticker,
the ‘Choose Life’ license plate holder, the
‘Follow Me to Sunday-School’ bumper sticker, and the
chrome-plated Christian fish emblem on the trunk, so naturally..

.I assumed you had stolen the car.”

Priceless

Jack took a long look at his speedometer
Before slowing down: 73 in a 55 zone.
Fourth time in as many months..
How could a guy get caught so often?

When his car had slowed to 10 miles an hour,
Jack pulled over, but only partially.
Let the cop worry about the potential traffic hazard..
Maybe some other car will tweak his backside with a mirror.
The cop was stepping out of his car,
The big pad in hand..

Bob? Bob from Church?
Jack sunk farther into his trench coat.
This was worse than the coming ticket.
A cop catching a guy from his own church.
A guy who happened to be a little eager
To get home after a long day at the office.
A guy he was about to play golf with tomorrow..

Jumping out of the car,
He approached a man he saw every Sunday,
A man he’d never seen in uniform.

‘Hi, Bob. Fancy meeting you like this.’

‘Hello, Jack.’ No smile.

‘Guess you caught me red-handed
In a rush to see my wife and kids.’

‘Yeah, I guess.’ Bob seemed uncertain.
Good.

‘I’ve seen some long days at the office lately.
I’m afraid I bent the rules a bit -just this once.’

Jack toed at a pebble on the pavement.
‘Diane said something about roast beef and potatoes tonight.
Know what I mean?’

‘I know what you mean.
I also know that you have a reputation in our precinct ….’
Ouch.
This was not going in the right direction.
Time to change tactics.

‘What’d you clock me at?’

‘Seventy. Would you sit back in your car please?’

‘Now wait a minute here, Bob.
I checked as soon as I saw you.
I was barely nudging 65.’
The lie seemed to come easier with every ticket.

‘Please, Jack, in the car’

Flustered, Jack hunched himself through the still-open door. Slamming it
shut, he stared at the dashboard..
He was in no rush to open the window.

The minutes ticked by.
Bob scribbled away on the pad..

Why hadn’t he asked for a driver’s license?

Whatever the reason,
It would be a month of Sundays
Before Jack ever sat near this cop again.

A tap on the door jerked his head to the left.
There was Bob, a folded paper in hand
Jack rolled down the window a mere two inches,
Just enough room for Bob to pass him the slip.

‘Thanks..’
Jack could not quite keep the sneer out of his voice.

Bob returned to his police car without a word.
Jack watched his retreat in the mirror.
Jack unfolded the sheet of paper.
How much was this one going to cost?

Wait a minute.
What was this? Some kind of joke?

Certainly not a ticket. Jack began to read:

Dear Jack, Once upon a time I had a daughter..
She was six when killed by a car.
You guessed it – a speeding driver.
A fine and three months in jail, and the man was free.
Free to hug his daughters, all three of them.
I only had one, and I’m going to have to wait until Heaven
Before I can ever hug her again.

A thousand times I’ve tried to forgive that man.
A thousand times I thought I had.
Maybe I did, but I need to do it again.
Even now.
Pray for me.
And be careful, Jack,
my son is all I have left’

‘Bob’

Jack turned around in time to see Bob’s car
pull away and head down the road.
Jack watched until it disappeared.
A full 15 minutes later, he too,
pulled away and drove slowly home,
praying for forgiveness and
hugging a surprised wife and kids when he arrived…

Life is precious.
Handle with care.
This is an important message;
please pass it along to your friends.
Drive safely and carefully.
Remember, cars are not the only things
recalled by their maker.

Funny how you can send a thousand jokes
through e-mail and they spread like wildfire,
but when you start sending messages
regarding the sanctity of life,
people think twice about sharing.

I just had to share this since this is just hilarious. Keep the sound up.

There was cop who was monitoring a highway traffic, he noticed a car going 22 mph.  Since it was a busy highway, he felt he needed to pull the car over.

as he pulled the car over and started going up to it, he noticed there was 4 older lades in the car and particularly, the two in the back were very pale and almost look lifeless.

He spoke to the lady who was driving,  he said, “Good afternoon, ma’am.  Did you noticed you were going slow, about 22 mph?  She said, yes, I was going the speed limit.

He said, “22 is not the limit on this highway.  22 is the number of this highway.  You are on highway 22.

She said:  “well that explains alot.”    The cop asked:  “well, glad we figured it out, but why are the ladies pale in the back seat?”

She stated “well, i believe, that we just got off Highway 189!”

Some recent classified ads in the British press

Free Yorkshire Terrier:

8 years old

Hateful Little devil

Bites!

Free Puppies:

Mother is a Kennel Club registered German Shepherd.

Father is a Super Dog, able to leap tall fences in a single bound.

Cow, Calves:  Never bred – Also 1 gay Bull for sale.

Joining Nudist Colony: Must sell washer and dryer

Wedding Dress for Sale: Worn once by mistake.

For Sale by Owner:

Complete set o Encyclopedia Britannica, 45 volumes

Excellent condition, $200 or best offer

No longer needed, got married, wife knows everything

I found another nifty app for Macs. Its another screenshot capture app but this one is a keeper. It has the option to automatically save to the cloud and paste the link to your clipboard. I also had used an app called Jing which is a real good app but I found the CloudAp is whole lot quicker. It also able to save bookmarks also. and other files you can drag and drop into an little icon that resides on the menu bar. Just does a excellent job of doing things quickly.

Now I am involved in quite a number of forums and this is proving quite a nifty app. Give it a try. There is a free app and there is a pro subscription that has more bells and whistles.

Give it a try

CloudAp

A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her nameplate that her name is Patricia Whack.

“Miss Whack, I’d like to get a $30,000 loan to take a holiday.”

Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name. The frog says his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it’s okay, he knows the bank manager.

Patty explains that he will need to secure the loan with some collateral.

The frog says, “Sure. I have this,” and produces a tiny porcelain elephant, about an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed.

Very confused, Patty explains that she’ll have to consult with the bank manager and disappears into a back office.

She finds the manager and says, “There’s a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000, and he wants to use this as collateral.”

She holds up the tiny pink elephant. “I mean, what in the world is this?”

(you’re gonna love this)

The bank manager looks back at her and says…

“It’s a knickknack, Patty Whack. Give the frog a loan, His old man’s a Rolling Stone.”

(You’re singing it, aren’t you? Yeah, I know you are……..)

Never take life too seriously! Come on now, you grinned, I know you did!!!

Have a lovely day